Futility Investments
Executive Summary
CLIENT CONFIDENTIAL. PLEASE SIGN RELATED NDA MATERIALS BEFORE PROCEEDING.

Established in 1929, Futility Investments is an early-stage investment firm that specializes in the theoretically impossible. Since inception, the company has maintained the same executive staff and partners. Some of our key investments include companies such as Tesla, Frankenstein, Marie Curie, GE, Aperture Labs, Hasan Labs, and the Singularity University.

Our portfolio speaks for itself, but some of our more recent investments would perhaps surprise even Dr. When. For example, we recently invested in a company, Dynamic Constants, who have discovered how to adjust the laws of nature in order to modify universal constants. Their first project, π, has been incredibly successful. We feel the advertising and freemium possibilities of embedding our own messages into numbers in use everyday will be substantial.

We anticipate Dr. When’s newest project will be a perfect fit for our investment strategy and look forward to hearing from you.
Executive Team
Ivan Lomonosov: Chief Scientist, Dynamic Constants and Entrepreneur-in-Residence at Futility Investments
Lomonosov has been tinkering in many spaces and dimensions. Prior to Dynamic Constants, he experimented with tiny hadron colliders but felt his experiments couldn’t be scaled upwards. Ivan was also the Chief Scientist for Hasan Labs, another portfolio company, where he established that commerce can be made by posing questions that won’t get answered.

Oliver Huber: SVP Quantitative Analysis
Who? Huber.  Huber is the operator with the pocket calculator. He's adding and subtracting.  He's controlling and composing.  And if he's running the numbers, you know those numbers are going to be up and to the right.  No one knows just how he does it, but when he pulls out his one-of-a-kind special-made TI-309x, the bottom line bows down before him and dances like a monkey before his organ grinder.  

MG Zuckington: Social Media Expert
MG first broke through with his seminal paper about the implications of telegrams as viral marketing vehicles that could reduce churn rate on new speakeasy customers by sending short “poke stop” messages. Since then, MG has continued to demonstrate incredible foresight, and has been instrumental in helping us understand the possibilities of viral constants.

P. Bjørn Jøhanntrüçksen, esq.: Founder and Managing Partner
Jøhanntrüçksen is an active board member of Dynamic Constants. Under his guidance, the company has moved beyond mere experiments with π into more challenging constants such as c, the speed of light constant. However, Jøhanntrüçksen claims no responsibility for the recent Neutrino Incident.

Donald Octavius Wiseacre: Founder and Managing Partner
Donald, or DOW as he’s known to his friends, has invested in hundreds of companies and seen each through to successful conclusions—though some just don’t know it yet. A master of buying low and selling high, Donald created an index named after himself and created a historical stock market crash in order to form his company at the lowest price.